September 2008

This bad economy thing has made me mad.

Rip roarin’ snortin’ fire dirt kickin’ mad. I’m afraid to call it a recession. No two economists can agree on what it is.

Whatever it is, it’s lousy. It’s causing deep dark depression to pervade the land.

Depression among Americans is up 113% this year according to several sources. Anti-depressant sales are up 156% according to still other sources. So, that’s great for the pharmaceutical companies. When the economy turned south, sales of the new impotence pills probably tanked, so thank goodness here come the orders for anti-depressants.

Of course the oil producing sheikhs and the oil companies are not depressed. I won’t name names but the oil companies’ earnings are breaking records and the producers are awash in solid gold palaces and platinum Rolls Royces and, er, diamond crested Ferraris.

People who have to drive anywhere, like work, are paying at least $4.10 per gallon and their expendable income is down 18% and their depression is up 142%.

Another real big hurtin’ is on the airlines and the truckers. They are either going bankrupt, already bankrupt or cutting employees and routes. Depression among their executives is up 198% and some are known to lunch on their feel-good pills washed down with vodka martinis.

Home foreclosures are way up over 100%. Credit card debt and delinquencies have created a whole new industry for offshore entrepreneurs as the banks farm out their dunning phone calls. This credit card problem has helped variable imaging digital printers due to the increased mailing of past due notices but it hurt direct mail printers who were living off new credit card solicitations.

The banks made many, many bad bets and then doubled down and now their earnings are lost in an ocean of red ink. Don’t be thinkin’ you can get a loan now with anything less than gilt-edged credit and 100% collateral. This leads to more depression and more anti-depressants.

I don’t know who to blame.

I’m waiting to hear some plan for recovery from the White House. He tells us, “it’s gonna get better”.

I’m waitin’ to hear either of the presidential candidates tell us specifically how they will yank us out of this mess.

I can’t wait any longer.

The Maňana Man Trickle Up Graphic Arts End the Recession Plan

Well, dammit, I have a plan. It’s the Maňana Man Economic Recovery Plan or “MMERP” or shortened to MMerp and pronounced “Murp”. It all starts with our great Print Communications Industry, one million hard-workin’ people strong in thirty thousand companies spread across this land from coast to coast and border to border.

Yep. It came to me in dream so it must be good.

1. Step One – If you are an owner or salesperson who is depressed and who has hunkered down saying, “Woe is me, Oh woe is me. I can’t sell cause my competitors are price cutters and the customers all buy on price”, then listen up. You can’t shake the blues hangin’ in your office in fetal position under the desk. Keep that up and you won’t have a desk. You got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go call on ten prospects/customers each day. Don’t ask why, just do it. No frowning, no hang dog head down stuff. I’m talkin’ about smiling and offering to help the people you call on and asking them to help you and asking for the order. Asking for help is irresistible and remember that 69% of your low life competitors will be in fetal positions under their desks or, even better, home in bed with the covers pulled over their heads. There’s your motivation. Your competitors are in bed. Soon you will start getting orders and soon you will be smiling for real and then, no more antidepressants. Okay, that takes care of your attitudes.
   
2. Next, all owners must raise prices by 11.5%. This means if the company was losing 13.0% then it’s now losing only 1.5%. If on the other hand you were making 2.0% then you are now making 13.5%. Wow! But you ALL HAVE TO DO IT! The customers won’t like but what can they do? You all did it. Tell ‘em that you are implementing price increases that you have forgone for twenty years and that your increase is far less than the increase in the price of gasoline. Most of the customers won’t even notice the increase but if they do, tell them your costs have zoomed up over the past twenty years and they should go suck eggs. Remember we must have 100% participation among all printing companies in all printing segments from packaging to books to publications to brochures to newspaper inserts. Now our sales are up 11.5% and it all fell to the bottom line so profits are up 11.5% and you can start paying on time and hiring back some of the good people you laid off. Your suppliers are doing better and they can hire new people and pay their suppliers on time so there is spreading of the sunshine and no more anti-depressants. We have begun to put a dent in unemployment and we are beginning to invest in wind farms and solar panels. Gosh, I’m good!
   
3. Next, owners have to spend four hours each day figuring out who the salespeople will call on the next day and using MapQuest route them out so they spend under $10.00 for gasoline. Some may have to garage their SUV’s, GTO’s and pick-up trucks. Make them buy used Vespas or tiny little 35+ mpg sub-compacts. Stop showing off with your big cars cause you’ve got to make ten calls each day. Just show up with flowers, gas cards, candy, great samples, a nice hand written note and a warm smile and be sure to make friends with the receptionists. If the buyer can’t see you then leave something for them – something relevant like an article, a magazine, a book or an idea for their business. You have to make a radical change to succeed and you have to show up. It has to be fun for you, the company and the customers. Make everyone smile and you start killing depression with your example and believe me the economy will get better. The buyers will get the idea that you want their business. Now this thing is spreading like a wind-driven forest fire, feeding on itself and, yes, we will lose some of your crummy competitors who didn’t read this column or who said, “That stupid Maňana Man has been smokin’ funny cigarettes”. They don’t know I quit smoking on February 5, 2005 cold turkey and no smoke of any sort has passed my lips in the past three and one half years. So if I can quit cigarettes, you can damnsure make ten calls per day to end this economic slump(?), no, it’s an economic tragedy and it ain’t gonna get better until you make it better.
   
4. You have to adjust this plan to your circumstance. You could be serving an industry or buyer segment that doesn’t even have ten buyers and they are spread across the U.S. but don’t quibble with me or whine, just adjust and be creative, show up and work better and smarter than your competitors. You know the difference between depression driven activity and smart hard objective-based work.
   
5. Our economic efforts will spread across all industries and the White House, the old president, the new president, Senators and U.S. Representatives will all take credit for saving the economy, rescuing the banks, funding Social Security and knocking out the oil companies. But you guys will know. It all started here with your beloved Maňana Man and spread to you and you spread it to your customers and your companies and around this great country.
   
   Man, I feel better. A lot better. No more depression here knowin’ that I got all of you out there fixing this economy. I’m so proud of you.
   What else can I say? I know you are shouting, “Thank you Maňana Man. We love you and we will do what you say. I can hear it. So doggone it, just get on out there and sell something!
   
   Oh, you know those statistics at the beginning of this. Well, er, I made ‘em up. I’m sixty-six and I’ve written this column for nearly twenty-five years so it’s okay. They are educated estimates. I had to get your attention.