Horribly, my spouse, Attila the Nun, was an accomplice to this vicious conspiracy, was in on the planning and, in fact, served as a lookout who stood the door while the merciless villains bound and gagged me. She had been given her own matching camou shorts and turtle neck with her own black stocking cap. I learned later her outfit was purchased from the Victoria’s Secret catalog.
The final indignity was the damn strait jacket. That was my wife’s idea. She said the strait jacket would throw off the neighbors. She said, “They’ll never notice. They think he should have been hauled off to the funny farm years ago.”
I was crushed, broken hearted and unwanted. It was almost as if she wanted me gone, gone, gone. The kidnappers loaded me in the back of one of those fancy stretch busses. It was loaded with chilled beer, imported red and white wine and premium liquors. I could smell barbecue. There were two scantily dressed hostesses to serve them and I was relieved that my bride of 45 years was not on the bus.
The leader of this well-dressed bunch of graphic arts executives worked his way back to me and saw me with my arms turning purple and, without speaking, removed the strait jacket and loosened my bindings. He stared at me snickering for several minutes.
I made some weak lamentations about the indignity of being kidnapped and the gang leader just stared and ignored me.
Soon, a commando walked back to me in the full bench last row and opened the tray top table at the rear of one of seats in front of me. He opened a laptop on the table and clicked on. It whirred though the new Vista start up. I had been hoping for a little entertainment. I was hoping for a movie.
Soon another print communications insurgent handed a large sealed envelope to the leader who ripped it open and began to read. “Maňana Man”, we have captured you to force you to write one of your columns to be titled “The Owners’ Manifesto” to print sales professionals.”
He continued, “we have surveyed own owner sisters and brothers and collected the messages they wish could be given to all of their salespeople in your strongest terms. These demands will given personally to all of our salespeople, not only in your column but also given to the salespeople in their plants monthly. They will read and reread the Manifesto until they either “get it” or decide they need sell beer at the ballpark or we decide they can become a cost center in some other industry, like television advertising sales.”
The boss man finished by telling me, “The survey results are in these pages. Write a demand for each issue and when you are finished, and if we are satisfied, we will release you. We are going to party in the front of the limo while you write. He pointed to the laptop and shouted, “Now, start writing!” The following is what I wrote.
A Manifesto to Print Communications Sales Professionals!
- I will immediately write my suspect/prospect/customer list (data base) and present it to management. I will update the list as I qualify the suspects and as I convert the prospects to customers.
- I will never trash a qualified prospect.
- I will find the proper timing and means of communication to follow prospects until I am successful by obtaining a first job.
- I will communicate daily with first job customers in person or by phone while the first job is being produced.
- I will invest a minimum of ten hours per week contacting suspects and prospects. (This may vary up or down depending on my number of existing accounts and their purchasing levels.
- I will find the ways to contact existing accounts a minimum of twice each week.
- I will learn the principals of indirect questioning (questioning that requires more response than “yes” or “no”.
- I will learn to listen to my suspects, prospects and clients attentively as an active listener.
- I will never bribe, lie, break a promise or patronize a buyer.
- I will never lie, cheat or steal from my employer.
- I will never compromise myself on the orders of anyone in my company.
- I will never spread bad news about a competitor. I have no time for rumors, as interesting as they may be.
- I will learn to ask for the order preferably in person or by phone during the buyer’s decision-making time frame.
- I will learn how to close by asking for the order. This knowledge will include all forms of closing and trial closing questions.
- I will never call on any buyer at any time under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
- I will never develop an intimate or inappropriate relationship with a buyer.
- I will seek feedback on my presentation skills and my grooming and act accordingly.
- I will keep problems within my company and seek to correct problems in a positive fashion without rancor and with impersonal recommendations for improvement.
- I will demonstrate total loyalty to my employer. If that is not possible, I will seek employment elsewhere.
- I will develop intimate knowledge of the products and services that I am charged with selling.
- I will report to my managers and co-workers the trends and evolving needs of print buyers as I hear them.
- I will study and learn the nature and directions of my buyers’ companies and their industries.
- I will read and reread the Mañana Man column in Printing Impressions each month.
- You will read this document frequently and prepare yourselves to spontaneously recite it from memory as, for example, you did in seventh grade for the “Gettysburg Address”. You may be stopped on the street a stranger and asked to recite the Manifesto. Failure can result in your immediate dismissal.
The owner kidnappers are passed out up front. The limo driver needs fuel and has agreed to free me when he stops. Oh, there’s one more practice. I will tell myself each morning to get out there and sell something! He’s stopping. I must escape. I will be stranded at the bus station with no money, no cell phone and no credit cards. Send money for a bus ticket and breakfast. Harris DeWese c/o Trailways Bus Station, Galax, Virginia.
