This new hotshot Managing Editor sent me an email recently and the subject was “Schedule”. The email listed the deadlines for the remainder of 2008. It also listed the topics for my columns for the remaining 2008 edition.
Can you imagine Sarge telling me, the Maňana Man, what to write and when I’m to turn it in? The email sounded a little threatening, so I figured I better do a little research on this hew boss. I was taking a page from some of our politicians by trying to dig up any possible past dirt.
I made some phone calls and sure enough, the new managing editor is a former marine trained at Parris Island and an honor graduate from boot camp.
This next part scared the bejeebers out of me. Sarge the Editor scored Expert with the M16 rifle and outshot everyone with a 50 caliber machine gun mounted on a helicopter. This new boss of mine was meritoriously promoted twice and was awarded a Navy Achievement Medal.
All of this happened after her father said she would never make it through boot camp. She certainly proved him wrong and now Cheryl Adams is out to prove that I can be whipped into being a compliant spineless columnist.
Now you readers can understand and empathize with the duress I suffer. Do you know what it’s like to write under this pressure? I suppose you do, since many you are selling printing with no company support and maleficent and incompetent management (this translates as bad and dumb bosses). Those of you who have smart supportive bosses are the lucky ones and you need to work twice as hard so you can stay where you are.
Sarge gave me the deadlines and the topics for the balance of 2008. I’ll give you a little preview and maybe you can get a head start on the remaining seven months.
Scuse me a minute. Phone’s ringing.
“Oh, hello All Mighty and Masterful Sarge. How may I be of service? You want each column to be longer. But they are already 1,200 – 1,300 words. You want 1,800 words and how many pushups? YES SIR, SARGE SIR, er MAAM! You can’t hear me? YES MAAM, SARGE MAAM!”
She calls all time and interrupts me. Sorry.
As I was saying, Sarge wants the June column to be titles, “How to Quadruple your Print Sales in One Week”.
This little trick will require either;
- A blood relative who controls printing worth several million dollars, or
- A close friend who controls printing worth several million dollars, or
- Someone you can bribe or blackmail who controls millions in print sales.
Quadrupling sales, for most mere mortals, would take several years of real hard work. It would require a lot of prospecting, research, telephone calls, face-to-face calls and developing an in-depth understanding of the prospects’ needs.
The July Printing Impressions is the annual Supplier Catalog and there is no editorial content so I’m off the hook for a July column. But, Sarge says I have to camp out in Printing Impressions basement for a July month long Writer’s Boot Camp. She mentioned something about daily 15 mile runs and daily 3,000 word writing exercises.
For the August magazine Sarge wants me to write about “How to Sell Your Clients on Switching Newspaper Advertising Dollars to Direct Mail”.
- This will require compromising photographs, or
- About a gallon of Jack Daniels, or
- Hypnosis.
Actually, this transfer of media spending might be appropriate in some cases. It will require heavy research in to the relative response rate the client enjoys from the newspaper and projected or test response rates from direct mail. The point is if you can prove (or it appears highly probable) that direct mail be more profitable than newspaper advertising, then your customer may agree to a test. This media switch strategy is applicable to many alternatives so you have to think creatively. The real point here is that you must become a marketing consultant to your clients in order to gain an entrenched long term relationship.
Sarge wants me to write a September column titled, “Back to School Sales Training at the Printing Impressions Boot Camp”. Here idea is that print salespeople pay $10,000 to spend a month in Philadelphia being trained by me. Remember W. C. Fields proposed epitaph, "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia”.
There will be twelve people to each room who will sleep on army, er Marine Corp, cots, er “racks”. I will lecture eight hours per day (I may have to read the phone book). Sarge will run physical drills eight hours per day.
Sarge says I have to write on the “Value of Extraordinary Stamina” for October 2008. Here again I will quote W. C. Fields when he said, "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." On the other hand, Woody Allen said, “Ninety percent of success is just showing up”.
In that column I will tell you about one of the greatest salesmen I ever met in my early career. He was not handsome or tall. He was not clever or articulate. He called on a giant Fortune 500 prospect for seven years one each week on the same day at the same time and eventually wound up with $10.0 million in printing.
Sarge says I have to write about “Grooming the Marine Corp Way” in my November column. You can see where that’s going. I’m sure some of you will boycott my column that month. This is an era of individuality and I know all about piercings, tattoos and cleavage.
Marvelle Stump, America’s worst print salesman, still sports a mullet and loves to make calls wearing sleeveless shirts that show off his scrawny twelve inch biceps adorned with multiple tattoos. But, my message to Marvelle and others will be, “If it detracts from the sales message, don’t do it!”
Finally, in December, my boss lady wants me to write about, “Surefire Sales Success though Talking”. She claims you always have a chance for the sale as long as the buyer is listening.
Well, of course Sarge could get away with her philosophy in the Marine Corp. Out here in the sales world we have to listen our way into sales and that will be my year end topic, “The Value of Listening Skills”.
The phone’s ringing again. Call waiting tells me it’s her, Sarge. I’m not going to answer. I’ll pretend I’m sleeping.
Meanwhile, why don’t you pretend to get out there and sell something! And, don’t forget to check out my books at http://bookstore.napco.com/PI/index.cfm?fr=pi.
